Saturday, December 21, 2013


I wasn't going to write about this, but I think it's just so much better for me to vent and let it out & move on.

Let me share the story of my 4th baby (3 miscarried, 1 here with us)

When I first found out I was so excited. You all were the FIRST to know.. I blogged about it! I was only maybe 4 weeks along. So I was going to keep it a secret for another week or two just to gather my thoughts and find a cute way to tell my closest family and friends. But God had other plans, a few days after I found out I got into a really bad car accident. I was hit head on by a driver who had supposedly had a diabetic attack and passed out at the wheel. You can read & see pictures about that HERE. At the hospital I was forced to tell them I was pregnant (b/c of x-rays).

I knew it also wasn't the right time to tell every one because of the (almost) deadly miscarriage I had just gone through a month before (you can read about that HERE

Weeks went by and it was so hard to get an appointment I couldn't get in until I was 9 weeks along. I was so stressed about everything with the car accident I was so scared of miscarrying but I finally went to the doctor and got my due date, June 10 2013. I was so excited but yet still nervous because I knew that a miscarriage wasn't fully out of the question. I was actually kind of upset that I had to wait another month and half to get another appointment. I didn't consider myself high risk and neither did the doctor. 

From 7 to 10 weeks I was feeling so sick and nauseated I almost couldn't stand it. I was told I could work out and do everyday things since I had done so before the pregnancy, so I did do couple classes of Zumba and worked. Never really thinking I was high risk.

12 weeks. At this point the nausea was disappearing. I heard that after 12 weeks it was suppose to go away & I was actually getting headaches in place of the nausea..

I knew early on that this pregnancy was different from Josiah. I just knew it was girl. I did take a risk and bought baby clothes from Black Friday sales. I was past the miscarriage stage now I just had to worry about buying the wrong colors! I finally came out, and told every one. We're Expecting #2

Josiah was just as excited as I was. 
he said he could hear "her" heartbeat --->
little did I know.... 

now we were just waiting to find out what we we're having. I planned the best way to reveal what we were having. I had ultrasounds scheduled, pictures scheduled, posts scheduled so many things scheduled.

13 weeks has come and gone, at 14 weeks I was feeling so good that I was getting really concerned. I've heard it said that 90% of a mothers instincts are correct and I would agree. I was telling every one I knew that something just wasn't right. I had to hear my baby's heartbeat asap! I had an appointment the following week (which was two days ago) but since I was in the process of switching doctors, something went wrong in the process and it had gotten moved to the week after. I was devastated, an emotion wreck. I had to hear my baby's heartbeat, so after that altercation I went to baby's r us, did my registry and got the baby heartbeat doppler, I couldn't wait any longer.. I had to go to Josiah's 4 year old check up (he was getting four shots) and bring him some ice cream but after that I went straight home to hear my baby's heartbeat. Me and Josiah listened to, what we thought was my baby's heartbeat. 

The next day I went to the e.r. because I had been up since 3 a.m. throwing up and had diarrhea. I knew the third time, I had to go to the doctors. They said it was probably food poisoning or stomach bug and I had to let it take it's course. But I couldn't leave just yet... Blood work came and took some blood and put an IV in me. Then another lady came with the heart monitor. As she searched for the heartbeat I started crying. She says "not to worry", that this early in pregnancy this machine doesn't always catch it. I knew something was wrong. Now the doctor came in and did an ultrasound... I SAW MY BABY. I SAW MY BABY not moving. She noticed it, nudged my stomach trying to find the heartbeat.... but there wasn't one. 

I went to my doctor and she confirmed for the third time that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. This time my mom and Josiah were in the room. She measured the head and it measured to be 14 weeks. So for the past week I had my dead baby inside of me. I started tearing up and as the nurse gives me a tissue, Josiah said mommy what's wrong. The doctor left to give me some time and he asked something like did the baby hurt your stomach? no baby, I hurt my stomach.  How do I explain this to my FOUR YEAR OLD?? 

I had the option to either wait it out, which is what I did with the last one and you see how that ended for me, go through labor, or get a D&E. 
I'm scheduled for a D&E on Monday and I am very nervous. They say it's like a D&C but more intrusive because the baby is bigger at 14 weeks.. I'm still in shock and I don't know if I made the right choice. Joe thinks I should have went through labor but I just don't know if I could have gone through it and actually not been crazy after seeing or holding my baby at only 14 weeks old. 

What is a D&E you ask? 
D&E (dilation and evacuation) is a minor surgical procedure which involves mechanically opening (dilating) the cervix and cleaning out (evacuating) the uterus. It may be performed after a missed abortion (the embryo or fetus dies, but no bleeding or cervical opening occurs) or inevitable abortion (the embryo or fetus dies, and painful or heavy bleeding occurs). If tissue from the pregnancy remains in the womb after miscarriage, it can cause heavy bleeding or infection -- a D&E aims to avoid this. --source-

I am going to try to move forward the best way I know how. I'm going to get on birth control and let my body heal. I am so upset that I still don't know how to act right now. 

I want to thank everyone though for your kind words and helping me get through this! I love you all.